i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
