ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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