Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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