You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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