So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
