guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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