I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
