This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
