he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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