See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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