So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
