i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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