I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
