I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
