This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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