dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
