why didn't you poke me back
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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