You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
