Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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