not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I pour the whiskey from now on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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