I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
