apparently the secret to your success is patron
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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