Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
