yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
