It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
