I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
