she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
