i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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