i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
