don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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