i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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