If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
