So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
