Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
