The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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