I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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