i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
