I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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