I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
time to smoke my breakfast
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
