And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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