I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My ATM looks so different sober.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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