well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
