So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
