Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
