I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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