I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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