Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
