i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
