I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
