so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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