i permit you to call me
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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