Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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