i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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