she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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