youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
