happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
