Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
