Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
