So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
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Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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