i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
